


without fear

by autumnchills



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Character Study, Future Fic, Introspection, Love Confessions, M/M, Post-Season/Series 03, fears, maybe? - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-04-16
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:41:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23674048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/autumnchills/pseuds/autumnchills
Summary: Eddie is across from him in the truck. Sprinkles of sunlight dance across his face as they pass under trees and Buck realizes that it’s morning.Light has come, and Buck wants to face his fears.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 181





	without fear

**Author's Note:**

> Title Inspiration: [Without Fear - Dermot Kennedy](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4khYR7RR6A)

_Buck doesn’t know how it it happened so fast._

They were twenty-two hours into a twenty-four-hour shift, nearing five in the morning. Usually, they were all trying to catch up on sleep during this time, but with the slow day they had, some of them had been able to get some Zs after dinner and before their last call.

And the conversation had drifted toward fears. Eddie had a fear of spiders and Chimney mentioned his aversion to snakes and other things with scales.

But then one of the firefighters, Rodriguez, had said that he feared being forgotten, and the tone of the conversation had changed entirely. Rodriguez wasn’t someone Buck and his friends had much one on one interaction with, so it was some insight that they all found interesting.

It opened a door to a deeper conversation that Buck supposed no one was ready for, but no one seemed to be shying away from it either. It was as if the warm summer night had enveloped them in a blanket of comfort that let them shed the masks they wore around each other every day. 

Being part of a team required them all to know each other to some extent, and it required them to trust each other even more so, but this conversation touched on sides that none of them had seen. 

It came to no one’s surprise when one of the youngest in the station, a probie named Mark who joined them back in April, admitted that he feared death. He listed the most common causes of death in firefighters and the average life expectancy of male firefighters. He listed a bunch of weird statistics and facts that were supposedly conducted in some survey from a couple of years back.

And then someone asked him why he’d do this job if he had so many qualms about it.

And the kid responded, “Because my desire to help people outweighs those fears.”

Everyone around them nodded like they understood.

“When I’m out on the field, those fears don’t stop me or hold me back from doing my job,” he went on to explain. “I can take a wild guess that a spider isn’t going to keep you from running into a burning building, is it Diaz?” 

Eddie shook his head. They all sat in silence for a moment.

The next words spoken came from one of the older guys at the station. 

“What about you, Buck?” John— if Buck remembered correctly— asked. He’s closer to Bobby’s age, though no one actually knows if he’s younger or older. Buck hardly ever saw him because they typically worked different shifts.

“You’ve nearly died more times than some of the people at this station combined,” he huffed out. “Do you fear death?”

Everyone looked at him with keen eyes. Everyone in this station knew what he had to go through to recover from his leg injury, but no one ever asked him about what that had been like. No one ever dared to ask if he’d been scared or what was going through his mind. His friends would check in on him and make sure he was okay, but they never really asked how that had affected his outlook on life and if he’d ever had any eye-opening epiphanies in what he thought were his last moments.

Buck would say he hadn’t. 

“No,” Buck finally answered. “Though, that’s not to say I’m feeling like I can run into anything and come out unscathed. I don’t have a death wish, and I’m not looking to take risks with my life when I have family and friends that need me.”

John nodded like he was satisfied with the response, and (dare Buck say) like he saw him in a different light.

Eddie, though, seemed perplexed by the answer. “Have you no fears then, Evan Buckley?” he asked. 

Buck nearly lost his breath with how fast his mind raced, piecing together a response that wouldn’t make everyone look at him like he was crazy. Tons of things come to mind, but he wasn’t sure what his biggest fear actually is.

The question came with a teasing tone. Buck could tell that Eddie wanted to know, but the way he asked allowed him to make a joke and brush it off if he so desired. He didn’t want to.

He took another moment to think about it, and his friends and colleagues waited patiently for an answer.

“Yeah, I do,” he responded, his volume just above that of a whisper. “Losing everything but my life.”

Buck blamed the night for letting him admit that. It was as if the darkness actually prevented him from seeing the monsters, and what Buck can’t see can’t hurt him.

John nodded again. “If I lost everyone and everything I love,” the man said, “I’d be but a shell of a man.” He took a sip of his coffee as the words sunk in with the surrounding people. 

Buck couldn’t help but agree. If he lost those he loved, he didn’t know what kind of person he’d become. He’d already been at a low before when he couldn’t come back to the job he loved. It was a time he tried not to dwell on too much. 

But nothing lasts forever, and soon enough a call came in and interrupted whatever they had going on.

The call woke everyone up and boosted them with energy. After successfully putting out the apartment fire, everyone was in high spirits. No one had died and there was minimal damage. Though their conversation from earlier hadn’t been unwelcome, everyone had long since moved on to the new vibrant enthusiasm for the day ahead.

It hits Buck all at once then. Eddie is across from him in the truck. Sprinkles of sunlight dance across his face as they pass under trees and Buck realizes that it’s morning.

_Light has come, and Buck wants to face his fears._

It’s Saturday morning when Buck follows Eddie to his house after their shift is over. Some of their energy is replaced with exhaustion, but that exhaustion is pushed aside in favor of preparing breakfast for them and Christopher to enjoy.

Thankfully, Eddie’s tia comes by not long after to pick up his son. She’s making tamales with his abuela today, and Christopher had insisted on joining when he found out.

The two men stay standing on the front porch as Tia Pepa drives off with Chris. Buck knows that this is when he should leave— he has no real reason to stay— but he really doesn’t want to.

They stand there in the cool breeze together, comfortable, and Buck knows that Eddie is waiting on him to speak.

“I’m not just scared of losing everything,” Buck finally says.

Buck is staring down the street, eyes trained on the rooftops, but he can feel Eddie’s gaze land on him.

“What else are you scared of?” Eddie asks.

“Leaving things unfinished.”

Eddie makes a sound of confusion.

“I’ve almost died a lot,” Buck starts, “and each time I thought about the things I started but never finished. I thought about conversations and personal projects.” Buck turns back to Eddie as he moves to lean against the house. “I thought of the things I hadn’t said— hadn’t gotten the chance to.” 

Eddie’s eyebrows furrow. He looks like he has questions, but Buck goes on, knowing that he just might answer some if he can actually finish saying all that he wants to— _needs_ to. 

“And I think that worst of all, I would tell myself that if I make it out alive, I’ll finish those things or tell those people what I’ve always wanted to.”

“But you didn’t?” Eddie questions.

“I didn’t,” Buck admits. He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. 

Eddie shifts and glances down to his feet before looking back up at him. “Do you still have things left unsaid?” 

“Yeah,” Buck whispers. “See, I find myself in this loop. I fear losing everything, so I don’t say the things I want to, yet I fear that if I don’t say them, I might lose everything anyway.”

“What kind of things are you scared to say?” Eddie asks. 

Buck takes a deep breath. He can feel his heart rate speed up at the mere thought of telling Eddie.

It takes everything in him to make his voice come out even and steady as he responds. 

“Things like I love you,” he says. “I’ve loved you for a long time now— so long that I don’t even know when I first realized it.” 

Buck pulls away from the wall and steps forward into Eddie’s space. He takes it as a good sign that Eddie doesn’t back away. 

“I’ve always just been so scared that if you don’t feel the same way, I’ll lose what I have with you and Christopher. And after that kid in the pipe during Spring—” 

Buck cuts himself off. He wrings his hands, partly because of the anxiety that had been festering in him as he led up himself up to this moment, and partly because he doesn’t know what to do with them. Does he reach forward to grab Eddie and never let go? 

“I realized that life can take _you_ away just as fast as it can me. Earlier today, I just kind of realized that I don’t want to spend my life regretting the ‘what if’ moments. I don’t want to live my life in fear anymore.”

Eddie looks into his eyes. “And how do you want to live it?”

He looks scared. Buck knows there’s a lot to lose if things ever go wrong between them. But what was life if they let their fears hold them back from living the life— the better life— they could? 

Buck would give anything and everything to make sure Eddie is never scared again.

“Without fear,” Buck says. He grabs Eddie’s hand in his and squeezes it tight. “I want to live my life with you.”

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic came to me at a quarter ‘till five am and once I started typing, I didn’t stop. There is definitely more that can be said on Buck’s behalf in regards to his feelings and about his fears, but this was really just an idea that I wanted to touch on rather than really write a full fic about. I guess you could call this a thought piece more so than an actual fic. Nonetheless, I hope you all enjoyed it. I would really love to see something that fully explores these fears, but I don’t see one coming from me. I’m also sorry I didn’t write Eddie’s response. I think you know how this conversation ends, though :)
> 
> Please leave comments and kudos, as they always encourage me to write more! If you feel I missed some necessary story tags please let me know what it is I should add. If a tag feels inaccurate, please feel free to let me know about that as well.
> 
> Special Thanks to my beta reader: [Aria](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyShipSailsHere/pseuds/MyShipSailsHere)


End file.
